By RACHEL REEVES
In writer/director Addison Heimann’s latest film HYPOCHONDRIAC, the veil between fiction and reality is intentionally pulled to the side—just a smidge. Based on Heimann’s own history and struggle with mental health, the story centers around a young, gay potter who experiences an incredibly personal trigger that sends him spiraling both mentally and physically. Rooted in reality, the openly personal connection results in a film that achieves a rare balance of earnest intimacy and engaging universality. Never shying away from the true issue at hand, HYPOCHONDRIAC allows the real terror and pain that mental illness can inflict to speak for itself. It’s also an utterly charming queer love story and funny as hell.
Having recently made its World Premiere at SXSW 2022, Rue Morgue had the privilege of sitting down with Heimann and the star of the film, Zach Villa (AHS: 1984). In this incredibly personal and moving conversation, we touch on the truth behind the narrative, finding humor in darkness, embracing the haters, connecting to character, and the healing power that lies in genre storytelling. So, settle in because this is a long one. But a good one, I promise. You can also check out Rue Morgue’s full review of the film, here.
Addison, tell us a little bit about the genesis of HYPOCHONDRIAC and what inspired you to write it.
Addison Heimann: Let me take you back. Back to before the pandemic. Do we even remember? So, as it says at the beginning of the movie, this is based on my mental breakdown. My mom is bipolar and I’ve been dealing with it for most of my life. She would have an episode six months on, six months off, six months on, six months off. Then my parents divorced and it started turning into years. I came back for Christmas in December 2018 and I was with her for three days. I’m just smoking a lot of weed and she’s being her normal, emotionally abusive self. She’s in her Hyde of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. So, I don’t want to deal with this. I just keep smoking a shit ton of weed to put this fog in between her and me.
I go back to LA, but the fog doesn’t lift. It’s still there, but there’s no more THC in my body. I start having dizzy spells, nausea spells, tingling sensations up and down my body. And I’m like, “Hmmm. What is this?” So rather than seeing a real doctor, I visited Dr. Google, my best friend. Dr. Google told me then told me I was dying of ALS. I didn’t know this at the time, but I have OCD and I suffer from intrusive thoughts. So when I see something, I’ll latch onto it and I’ll fucking think it to death. I basically convinced myself right then and there that I was dying of ALS. I was also doing a lot at the time. I was producing things and I was not stopping. The sad thing is, if I had just stopped doing stuff, maybe none of this would have happened.
But instead, I’m working at a production studio as a PA, but they’re having me do things completely out of my pay grade. Which, is wont to happen in a place where you have so much money, but don’t wanna spend it anyway. I’m carrying 80-90 pound lighting equipment up and down stairs with no freight elevator; by myself for prep and wrap. And, at the time, I really convinced myself I’m dying. So, part of it’s my fault because I could have spoken out, but I was trying to prove myself. I ended up developing a repetitive strain injury in both of my tendons and that basically convinces me that I have the physical symptoms of ALS. I had the mind convinced, I had the body convinced, and I just cracked.
By the way, my mom has been leaving me voicemails this whole time telling me not to trust my friends. So we also have that in the mix. And, I just started sobbing. I realized that something was wrong and I needed to go home. So, I go home to my dad for about a month. And he does not understand mental health. It’s really unfortunate. I love him, I do. But my dad just doesn’t get it. I spent a month with him just telling me things aren’t real, things aren’t happening to me without this kind of empathetic lens. I also injured myself while I was there on a stationary bike trying to outrun the anxiety. So not only do I have arm injuries, but I also have a leg injury at this point.
I go back to LA, but my arms are still in pain and they haven’t healed. The doctors are telling me it’s a muscle injury. I’m finally seeing doctors now, but they’re all telling me different things. And, I do the most LA thing I’ve ever done and I visited a holistic massage therapist. I still didn’t know it was a tendon injury at this time, and he was deeply, hardcore crunching and massaging it. So, he injured my arms to the point where I couldn’t text. I couldn’t lift my phone. I couldn’t shave. I couldn’t eat food. I couldn’t do anything. And that led to my three-month journey on the couch. I’m watching like, 12 hours a day of Netflix Scandinavian detective dramas which, if you need one, I got you.
It’s funny. You really compartmentalize this shit because that pain is intense. So I find a neurologist and she gives me an MRI. She gives me muscle and nerve tests and I get my results back. They all come back negative. And all my symptoms go away. Then, as I got further and further separated from it, I had the ability to be a little more funny because I got perspective on it. That’s the real-life story of HYPOCHONDRIAC and I was originally writing it in the middle of all that as therapy.
For me, the script is an emotional retelling of events. Obviously fictionalized because I had to learn very quickly that just because it happened, doesn’t mean it’s interesting. And that’s a weird thing when you’re literally writing about your thing with the realization that people are going to watch your movie. My goal behind the movie is to make you experience what I felt during my mental breakdown.
That was a long journey, but I’m glad you came with me.
That’s such an incredible story. Zach, how did you first get involved with this project?
Zach Villa: I got it the old-fashioned way. I have reps and they send me things that seem like viable opportunities and, I looked at it. I think a lot of things come across an actor’s desk and it’s like, “Okay, that’s a gig. That’s a gig. That’s another job. That’s something I cannot touch.” And then there are other things that are like, “You know, this is actually going to be artistically fulfilling and maybe pay my rent for a second.” And HYPOCHONDRIAC definitely was more into that category. But furthermore, and to its credit, when I actually delved into it, all I needed to see were the side pages. I knew that there was something special about it.
I came to find that out in the year and a half of pre-production that we had because of the pandemic. Addison and I became really close friends as well as colleagues. I realized quite quickly that we had a lot of parallel experiences. Not the same by any means. His experience with mental health and the scenarios that he’s encountered, they’re quite different; they’re unique. But that’s kind of how it is with everybody, you know? Mine center around some mental illness that’s in my family.
You then start to realize that they also have these drugs to treat mental health issues, but they’re not surgical knives. They’re more like bludgeons and you just experiment with the treatment amount and the type until you find something that works. Because we know it works, but it’s not an exact science.
AH: Right? That was the issue with my mom and it’s why bipolar and schizophrenia are really difficult to treat. One day your medication can work and then your brain chemistry changes. And then it doesn’t work. So, it’s very difficult. And that’s why my mom would keep getting into episodes. She’d take the medication and then her brain chemistry would change. She would then become manic and then she would stop. You have to constantly be navigating.
ZV: It’s tough. And that’s why I’m so stoked that this movie exists. All of those experiences, unless you’ve lived them in some way, are really difficult to explain to someone. You might be able to explain the science of it, but it’s really difficult to tell someone, “This is how it feels. This is what day-to-day is like.” So when I read the script and realized that Addison and I were kind of on the same page with some of our experiences it was like, “Oh. I’ve never seen anything like this.” It really is I think, for lack of a better term, an accurate depiction of what going through something like this is like.
Of course, there’s artistic license. Of course, there are things that are more heightened or inflated visually or situationally. But, it’s art, right? We make an ideal heightened version of something to understand it. And Addison I think, has done that. But the thing is, it has comedic and dramatic elements too. And if you don’t understand that, fine. But what’s interesting is, that’s life, right? You can be crying devastated one moment and then the silliest things will happen and it will turn the conversation around.
AH: Let’s also not shy away from the giant bunny/wolfman suit in the corner of the room. It’s an homage to Donnie Darko. I mean, that’s just what it is. Some people are going to be like, “You stole it.” And some people are going to be like, “That was a great homage.” I grew up with that film. And it’s how I always explain our movie and the combination of comedy, drama, and tone. In Donnie Darko, you have Patrick Swayze being the ridiculous, cheesy, self-help guru. And you have Sparkle Motion and that ridiculous teacher.
But then you have a scene in which Donnie is sitting on a bed with his mother and he just goes, “How does it feel to have a wacko for a son?” And she says, “It feels fantastic.” That’s in the same movie. That to me was my way in. Obviously, the wolf and the rabbit mean different things. The wolf is very obviously the inner child, the representation of this childhood trauma. And if you don’t agree with that, that’s awesome because it’s not my movie anymore. I’m just telling you what I think. Everybody has that wolf. And, comedy is drama plus time, right? That’s the thing with me—even mental breakdowns can be hilarious.
ZV: That’s life. And I think with Will’s character, while there are obviously some parts that are autobiographical, with a year and a half of pre-production, I was able to be friends with the source material. I think that really informed the character. Will is similar to Addison in the way that there’s a charming bravado and song and dance-ness about that guy. You get to see him deal with extreme, disheveling heartbreak, and a mental breakdown. And, how it looks when they go through something like that.
AH: It’s funny because I am that. You can see it right now. I’m all over the place in this crazy, fun way. I mean, shit. I went to theater school. And, for better or for worse, it did make me a better listener. Because I was doing this. What I’m doing right now, to everyone. No one knew what was happening until much later because I was really good at hiding it. I didn’t want people to know. I didn’t want to be a burden. My mother had been a burden on me and I know what that feels like and I’d never wish that on anybody. So, I hid it. But it’s so funny because, when everyone was seeing me at my lowest they were like, “Oh wow. You listen now.” And that changed me.
That’s the part about art that is specifically about mental illness and I think why, for me, the story is very important to tell specifically in a queer narrative is, we all got through this stuff. We all have that wolf. We all have our one big problem and we all feel it pretty much the same way. Especially now in the pandemic. Listen, what happened to me was insane, but I’m never going to compare it to anybody else’s trauma. They have their own shit and it’s important to them. And they hold onto it, just like I held onto it. We all have that problem. I just think the world needs a lot more empathy, you know? And I feel like, the type of stories I want to tell, I want to foster that. When we get to talk more about this stuff, we’re less angry. We’re less scared.
I love the way this film represents that exact idea with Devon Graye’s character, Luke. As well as with the therapist at the very end of the film who is actually willing to listen to Will. Talk a little bit about working with Devon and how you cultivated that on-screen chemistry and created such a safe, creative space.
AH: He is truly the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful fucking human. I swear, he’s so genuine, so lovely, and also a really successful screenwriter like, just lowkey.
ZV: He’s incredibly talented. And, it’s funny because, I think it was him who was saying that he wasn’t really jazzed about doing acting all the time anymore, but then he latched onto this project and was like, “Oh, right. There are amazing stories out there to tell.” When you have a great scene partner, it really changes the work.
AH: It changed the movie for me. Luke is an amalgamation of all my friends so, there’s no real-life connection. It’s all told from Will’s perspective, but Luke wasn’t real for me. So when Devon came and gave him life, and I started seeing them on camera I went, “Holy shit. This is the heart of the movie.” I didn’t even know. We got into the editing room and their chemistry was just so alive and firecracker-y.
I’m glad that we had that freedom to collaborate. We stuck to the script most of the time, especially with the technical elements, but there’s always a sense of play when you’ve got actors as good as Devon and Zach. I didn’t foresee that. I felt like I knew everything because it actually happened, I knew the answers. But the two of them were mysterious. And when Devon and Zach came in, it was perfect. Together they were the final piece of the puzzle.
Zach, did you do anything to prepare for this role? How did you cope and navigate such a complex character and headspace?
ZV: In theater school, I went to this place called Julliard and, I had a terrible experience at that school as far as my mental health was concerned; my emotional health. So, I wish it was different in hindsight, but I also graduated with a lot of tools. I mean, the training is fantastic. There was an emphasis on “leaving it on the set.” Like, you’re supposed to drop everything and go home and reset. And, we spend four years learning Alexander Technique which is this crazy movement thing to release your emotional holdups every day so you can be a neutral slate. It is being a very, very good, disciplined actor. That’s the “right” way to do it.
In the last few years, for better or for worse, I don’t think I’ve been the healthiest actor all the time. I don’t think I’ve been the correct actor all the time. I think I’ve learned the benefit of pushing into the chaos a little bit. There is a way to do that safely. I think that myth of actors losing their minds because they don’t know what’s real anymore is kind of ridiculous. I think method actors not letting go is more of a show. There’s always a moment when you have to come home, right?
But I think point is, I didn’t quite let go of Will. But also, how could I? And then when we wrapped, it was quite a minute. My partners can attest to that. It was about a month and a half that I was like, “Yeah. I’m kinda fucked up from doing that movie.” But I knew what I was doing. It was consensual.
AH: It’s the foundation of the house. He knew the character. He knew what he was doing. So when we got on set, the foundation was strong. No matter how crazy we got, the support was there. And because it was there, we all held each other through it—because it was a journey. I had a panic attack on set during one of the most violent scenes in the movie toward the end. They did something so real that I had to step away. And when I came back, everybody held me. We took a deep breath and we kept going.
ZV: That’s the danger. I mean, nobody is going to like “lose their mind” working on set or dealing with the material, but whether you’re making it or watching it, art is triggering. That’s why we put ourselves through that. It’s looking for catharsis and looking for a way to relate to an experience we don’t understand.
AH: As a person who wants to tell queer genre stories about mental health, I’m fine with that being a spoiler. Yes, this movie deals with mental illness and everything that encaptures, but guess what? I’m still here. So, do with that what you will, but let’s ride this journey together. Let’s keep each other safe and maybe entertained and then have a conversation afterward. And if you don’t like it, then don’t talk to me. But if you want to engage, hell yeah.
I know this movie isn’t going to be for everybody and I’m okay with that. I’d rather be nine people’s favorite thing than a hundred people’s ninth favorite thing. And for the people that gravitate towards this movie? That’s my tribe. We’re in the trenches together. And for the people that want to throw tomatoes down? I’ll just pick up the tomato and eat it because it’s food. Everybody’s allowed to have their opinion and I respect that. But ultimately, I’ve been looking my whole life to find my tribe, and through filmmaking, art, and through this movie, I found them.
I really admire your honesty and your willingness to really just put it all out there—both you and Zach. It’s an incredible story and I personally found it very cathartic. I’m honestly getting a little emotional right now just thinking about it! [Choking up]
ZV: That’s perfect though. I mean, even if you’re not having that experience, just like Addison was saying, I think it might find you down the road. Art finds you at the right time and I think it’s one of those films that going to be around, you know what I mean? I’m so glad that you’re having this experience right now. I mean, not glad. I hope you’re okay.
[Laughs] Oh, no, no. I’m fine. It’s just a beautiful, powerful film.
AH: I’m tearing up too! I mean, listen. I gave up. And I remember standing at the precipice. I think a lot of us have stood there. And I’m glad I was pulled back.
Me too. Thank you for sharing your story and putting this piece of cinema out there. HYPOCHONDRIAC is scary and hard, but also funny! We can’t forget the humor.
AH: Yes! It is funny! It’s like Romeo and Juliet, right? The first 45 minutes are pretty fun and then it’s like, “Oh shit. Now we’re in it.” [Laughs]
HYPOCHONDRIAC made its World Premiere at SXSW 2022. It will also be released theatrically later this summer.
