By JILLIAN KRISTINA
Something that kind of irked me about the new Netflix series, THE SANDMAN, based off of Neil Gaiman’s legendary graphic novels, was Morpheus’s (Tom Sturridge) interaction with Hekate, or as they’re referred to here, The Three, or The Fates.
When you petition a Goddess, you don’t demand, and you don’t push. And even though he presented them with an offering of a serpent, even Dream of the Endless should know that.
This is a story I’ve been meaning to share for a while now. A few people know about my experiences working with Goddess deities, and those few people have urged me to share them more publicly. And after this recent depiction of Hekate – the Goddess of Witchcraft, Magic and Crossroads (amongst many other things) – I think the time is right to talk about two other mighty Goddess deities that I’ve become closely acquainted with.
Enter, the Goddess Diana.
My life looked very, very different in 2015. I was living in Danvers, MA, also known as Olde Salem Village. I was working a full time job, writing freelance for DigBoston, and going into Boston and Cambridge at least once a week for shows. I was doing CrossFit twice weekly, followed by beers and burgers at local pubs. I was contributing to local art collaborations. And as part of my dedicated spiritual practice, I was developing a very serious relationship with the Goddess of the Hunt, also known as the Queen of Witches.
The thing about developing relationships with Goddess deities is that they see through your bullshit. They see where you’re running from your past, from yourself, from your truth. They see where you’re trying to lose yourself in everything that looks good on paper, but doesn’t fill your soul. They see where your ego is making decisions and how happy you are to let it take the wheel. They see all of this, and then they call you on it.
When Diana called me on it, my life literally exploded. First, my job (for legal reasons, I can’t go into details here, but suffice it to say, it was one of the most professionally harrowing events of my life). Then, my car; literally. I was rear-ended while sitting at a stop light and was hit so hard that the hood of my car was pushed underneath the vehicle in front of me. The airbag exploded and cut my arm up pretty decently. This accident led to an unfortunate discovery regarding the state of my insurance, which brought up some pretty heavy family trauma and reconnection. All of this happened over the course of just over a month, which was leading up to a trip to California that I had booked months prior. Still waiting for my unemployment to go through, and really feeling the need to physically separate myself from the area, I asked for Diana’s help. I worshiped at Her altar every morning, I petitioned, I promised to spread Her name if she came through for me.
She came through, with just days to spare.
At this point, I was just happy to be able to get on the plane and know I would have any amount of money coming through each week. I needed time away to clear my head and detach from the drama. I needed a new environment on a completely different coast.
A friend I was visiting picked me up from LAX and immediately started driving towards a park that she said she had always wanted to visit, but never had. I was along for the ride – I didn’t care where we went, I was just happy to be there. As we pulled up to the curb, I glanced quickly over to the park (what I now know to be Sutro Heights Park in San Francisco) and immediately noticed a statue. I mentioned it to my friend and started heading towards it. Now, this is going to sound insane, but believe you me, this actually happened – there stood a massive statue of Diana.
All I could do was cry. She was with me. She was supporting me. She was assuring me that although my life was falling apart right now, it was all happening for a purpose.
Part of working with Goddess deities is noticing how they show up in your life. Sometimes, it’s as literal as a fucking statue, and sometimes, it’s a number sequence, or an animal associated with the Goddess, or just the name showing up repeatedly. These are called synchronicities, and this is the language of the universe, the goddesses, the gods, whatever you want to call it. It’s this language that you must learn, little by little, to interpret, piece together, and record. I’ve been doing this for so long that it just seems like a natural part of life, but for those who are reading this like it’s Latin, trust me. If you’re even remotely inclined towards this type of practice or relationship, start here.
As 2015 continued to unfold, something else happened that I would have never imagined; I reconnected with an old flame that was unlike any other old flame. This kid slayed me. He was the one I had never stopped thinking about – the rebel anarchist who moved from Massachusetts to Tennessee years back to build an off-grid establishment in the middle of the woods on the Cumberland Plateau. He was the one that from the second I met him, I knew there was something different about this one, and that I was hooked, right then and there. After eight years of no communication, we reconnected on FaceBook during Venus Retrograde of 2015, but didn’t physically talk on the phone until the Full Supermoon in Pisces on August 29th, which also fell under the Venus Retrograde period. I mention the astrology of the timeline because Venus Retrograde is a time where reconnecting with old flames is highlighted – revisiting old ground, resurrecting old relationships, or at the very least, resolving and releasing old relationships, issues or wounds. For us, the next 30 days very much involved resurrection, including me flying to Tennessee for the first time since 2007 to see him. Fast forward to January of 2016, and I was on a flight with all of my worldly possessions to join him in the woods.
And that, dear reader, is what you call the most epic of epic course corrections. Diana saw the big picture. Diana blew my life up so I could start again – start true. She brought me back to my person (who is now my husband), and she brought me to the woods, which is, after all, her territory. She also brought me to the South, which, according to the elements of the four directions, represents the element of Fire. Of Destruction and Creation. Of Life. Because I know damn well that had I never left New England, I would have never had the courage or strength to live my truth. Sometimes, you need to leave your point of origin (or trauma) to remember who you are and where your spiritual roots truly lie. To need to let one way of life – or ego – die, in order to begin again.
Also, I made good on my promise to Diana – I dedicated the first oracle deck I ever wrote to Her. Another powerful lesson here – never re-neg on a promise to a Goddess. I promise you, there will be hell to pay. This is why entering into relationships with Goddess deities is not to be taken lightly, nor is entering into contracts with them.
And now, I’d like to introduce you to the Morrigan.
I have found that as I get older, the more I really yearn for a connection to my ancestral roots. I don’t know much about either side of my family, but I do know a few things, one of which is my Irish lineage. I have always felt the strongest connection to this side of my ancestry, so it made sense that the next Goddess that came calling was none other than the inimitable, incendiary Morrigan, Herself. I’ve gotta tell you – the first thought I had was, “Am I worthy? Who I am to work with the Morrigan?” This isn’t to negate the power and might of Diana, but there was something about the Morrigan that gave me a feeling of trepidation. Maybe it was the call of homecoming I knew this would bring that scared me most of all – Diana brought me where I needed to be, and the Morrigan was here to call me out on straightening my shit out and getting into right relationship with myself, my life, and with Her.
A hummingbird literally just flew towards me, hovered, and flew away as I’m writing this. Synchronicity in action.
Although I’m still very much in the beginning phase of developing a relationship with the Morrigan – which includes a six month, deep dive intensive I’m currently enrolled in; learning the lore, meditation, journeying and worlds of journaling – I can tell you that the word homecoming perfectly sums up what I started feeling the moment I started reading about Her. I felt connected to Her, to the history, and to Ireland, even, in a way I’ve never felt connected to my own family. I felt seen. I felt understood. I felt like this was the missing piece to feeling some sense of belonging and self-sovereignty. Truly, I felt like I was coming home. And that’s when I started flashing back to all of the times in my life where She was trying to get me to notice Her by way of massive gatherings of crows. The crow, or raven, is the animal most commonly associated with the Morrigan, and I realized that at two very specific turning points in my life, I was visited or surrounded by, literally, hundreds of crows. During one of those specific turning points, a roommate at the time even called the location of our apartment ‘Murder Highway’ because of the insane denizen of crows that lived in the trees surrounding our dead end street. They’d fly past us while we were on the porch, a blur of black, cawing and flapping – it was mesmerizing.
While I was reflecting on how long She’s actually been with me, She started visiting in my dreams. In one particularly terrifying dream, she assumed the appearance of a wraith, or banshee, like a black mist swirling in my vision, screaming that banshee scream. I woke up from that dream and promptly said NO. Something very important to know about working with any deity is setting boundaries. Especially with the Morrigan, who is a Goddess of sovereignty, boundaries are essential and most importantly, respected. You can say no at any time. In fact, I encourage it. She’s appeared in my dreams since, but not in such a way. As a matter of fact, I’ve recently asked Her to aid me in my dreams. I’ve suffered from nightmares my entire life and recently, with my expanding awareness and documenting them, they’ve intensified (like the old saying, it gets worse before it gets better). Regaining control in my dreamspace is a major part of my work with Her, but again, this is just the beginning. This is the personal development work that comes with working with any deity, especially the Morrigan – personal power, sovereignty, will, integrity, and remembering your own magick are all worthy and intense aspects of yourself to call back and reclaim, because really, this is a reclamation process.
All of this is such a small part of what noticing the call of Goddess deities looks like. This can be life-long work; life-long relationships. There’s profound healing possible in connecting with these deities. They want you at your strongest, and they’ll push you to get there. It’s by no means easy – it’s some of the most grueling personal and spiritual work I’ve ever engaged in – but it has been the most worthwhile, most powerful part of my 30+ year spiritual path, and the one I choose to dedicate myself to. Because to work with a Goddess/God deity is to work with yourself. To respect yourself. To love yourself. Because in honoring these deities, you remember what it means to deeply, authentically honor and worship yourself.
So getting back to Dream of the Endless – he who also has a raven familiar, Matthew. He who walks through dreams. He who creates nightmares – the Corinthian (Boyd Holbrook), for example – as a tool for people to confront and overcome their greatest fears. I never really considered it before, but Morpheus has a considerable amount in common with the Morrigan, who is also referred to as the Phantom Queen, and has ties to The Fates as well. Maybe there’s more of the Goddess within Dream than he realizes, and maybe, just maybe, he would do well in remembering that.
